• Question 1

    What is your only comfort in life and in death?

    Answer:

    That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.

    He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.

    Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

    The Heidelberg Catechism Sunday School class started today at church. I’m really excited about it! =)

  • Contentment’s secret?

    Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
    Philippians 4:11-13 (ESV)

    For a while I have been thinking about this passage and the context of the oft quoted verse “I can do all things through him [God] who strengthens me.” A few months ago, I began to wrestle with Paul’s so-called “secret” to contentment. I wrestled with it because there was a disconnect on two fronts in my mind: 1) how the “I can do all things!” passage is normally used and 2) how the topic of contentment is normally addressed.

    When I thought about the way I have heard and I myself have thought about verse 13, I think about athletes or other Christians referring to it in terms of God helping them excel in their work or about people in ministry accomplishing hard things for God. The context for Paul saying that he can do all things through Christ though isn’t about self-empowerment (or even God-empowerment)  when trying to achieve your dreams or even to do great work for God- at least not in the way we think of it. Of course it is true that God is able to do impossible things through people (because he is God!) and is able to bring himself glory by accomplishing spectacular things through feeble people, but that isn’t the context here. Paul isn’t directly talking about feeling discouraged about ministry. he’s talking about contentment.

    In the passage, Paul addresses the Philippians about their giving toward his ministry and in it shares to them how he has learned to be content. He refers to the having learned to be content in every situation and the “secret” of facing life whether he has little or much. He isn’t saying that God’s strength will help him change the situation (i.e. he will no longer be in need), but rather that he has learned to be content while being in need- and that secret is that he can do all things through Christ.

    Is it just me or does the secret that Paul gives for contentment seem less than relevant or at the least not intuitive? If someone came and talked to me about being discontent in their financial situation or  any other situation (singleness, marriage, church, etc.) and I wanted to encourage them to be content, I wouldn’t immediately think of this verse.  I would think about encouraging them to be grateful and thankful for what they have or warn them against complaining or tell them to trust that God is good and sovereign. The Bible talks about these things in other parts of Scripture and it is so important to have a handle on these truths, so it’s not that I think these things wouldn’t be helpful towards contentment. It’s just that I wouldn’t think to say to this person, “you can do all things through Christ- so even if your circumstances don’t change, you can be content.”

    Two things that I have been meditating on as if late in terms of the connection between contentment and doing all things through Christ: The first is that by his power and with the strength that he gives, I am able to be content. His supernatural power is what enables us to be content even when we are in need. Contentment is not a natural state of our sinful hearts- comparison, covetousness, greed, jealousy are. But in the new heart, born of God, contentment is possible through the power of God.

    The second thing I have been seeing, and what has been helpful for me lately, is recognizing one of my common responses in circumstances when I feel I am in need. (This isn’t exactly the same as Paul though, who talking about facing real physical needs- like for food!) Still, in my own smaller sets of trials, I find in my thoughts and even in my prayers that I start saying “God, I CANNOT do this.” This “God, I can’t!” isn’t the humble-recognition-of-my-need-for-God kind of prayer, it’s more like the “God, why would you put me in this situation. I cannot stand it and I am not going to make it through this- so change things to be how I feel they should be!” type prayers. Sometimes even though I know all that Scripture says about God’s purposes accomplished through trial and suffering, it’s not that I doubt God’s final goal, but whether or not I’ll make it.  I have been catching myself responding this way to various frustrating and trying circumstances, but by his grace I have felt God slowly changing my heart.

    In light of Philippians 4, instead of going into this mode of discontentment, I am learning to trust in God who supplies strength to endure. This passage shows that God’s people are not exempt from trials, suffering, or even being in great need. God can choose to deliver healing and bring revival and completely change everything at once- he has in Scripture and in our lives, and he is good to do so. God can also choose to allow us to- though for a short time only, since the suffering of our whole lives are light and momentary compared to the eternal weight of glory- continue on in the path of trial and suffering. There are plenty of godly people in Scripture who walked this road, and most importantly, our forerunner the Son of God did too. In these trials, God is accomplishing his eternal purposes in the world and in us. And in these trials, he has promised that in Christ, we can persevere.

    I can and do still pray for God to provide and for God to change circumstances, people, etc. But when he doesn’t choose (or hasn’t yet chosen) to deliver in the way I am longing for, I am learning to trust that he will provide strength enough for each day. I am hoping to, with his strength, rest content in his promise that in all the circumstances that he allows for my sanctification and his glory, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

  • Church With Sinners (Like Me)


    When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave
    Then in a nobler sweeter song,
    I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save!
    -There is a Fountain

     

    I have heard people say before “if you find a church full of perfect people, don’t go there because you’ll mess it up.” That’s true and I get the meaning behind it, but in my heart I hear that as, “the perfect church doesn’t exist and you’re messed up too so suck it up and just go to a church!” In many ways, I have thought that way about the sin and messiness of relationships and living life in the church- it’s something that you kind of just have to live with and hope you survive through since the benefits of being in church outweigh the negative. I understand the struggle though of not wanting to get too “in” because relationships are messy. Conflict makes me anxious, sin makes me frustrated, and is there anyone who welcomes the possibility of being disappointed and hurt by other sinful people, especially those who profess to be Christians?

    As God has been shifting my paradigm with regard to the local church, I am starting to experience the beauty of being in a Gospel-preaching and living local church with other sinner-saints still in the fight, still being sanctified. Here are a few blessings I’ve been learning to see:

    1. I am welcome. 

    I am welcome into this community not because of my meeting certain religious prerequisites, but because by his grace, my eyes have also been open to see “I need Jesus!” I could say so much more about this, but maybe another time?

    2. Each time sin is brought to light is an opportunity for the Gospel to shine forth.

    Jeff says that some of his favorite times in our marriage has been after we fight and reconcile. He’s often said after fights, “there’s no one else I’d rather work through this with.” Me on the other hand, am conflict-avoidant and for a long time, didn’t get how that was supposed to be comforting.

    When Jeff preached through Ephesians though, particularly Ephesians 3:10 on the manifold wisdom of God being displayed through the church, things got clearer for me. The church is God’s chosen means of displaying his glory to the universe with regard to his wisdom and power in redemption and the gospel. It is not only a display of redeemed individuals and families, but his Gospel is at work and displayed in our relationships when we work through our sinful conflicts. That means conflict and sins being surfaced (surfaced because sins were not created by circumstances; they were just uncovered by them) in Gospel-communities are opportunities to run together to the cross and see God’s power to redeem and change. Wow!

    I know this is easier to say and terribly painful to experience. It’s not that we desire or look to be disappointed by people as we learn about them, hurt, sinned against, etc. And it’s not that we blindly trust anyone that says they are a Christian. But as sin inevitably comes out even in the most God-pleasing relationships, it is not something to be merely dreaded, but given over to God for an opportunity for the Gospel to be displayed for his glory. When I reflect on my own family (parents and siblings) and our particular history of sins and deep wrongs against one another, I see the grace of God so clearly to forgive and change us, heal and redeem. (He is still doing all this now.) I see the sweetness of the Gospel and how amazing and powerful God is. I praise him and want to share this testimony with others. I think, how much more are we also meant to see that in the Family of God?

    3. When I see changed/changing lives, I am reminded that God is real and working.

    I’ve shared often that the hardest thing for me to believe is God’s ability to change people. Heal someone’s terminal sickness? Of course he is able to do that. Make the world out of nothing? No problem, he’s God. Change someone so that they will walk with him til the end? “Well…Will you really do that, God? I’ve seen so many fall away.” This has been a defining struggle in my own walk with God- believing in his power to change me- and it has carried over into my life in the church. Partly, I think it has to do with how God has gifted me and given me a heart for shepherding. I’m always thinking, what will help this person continue to walk with Jesus? But it’s also something that keeps me humble and dependent on God who alone does work that lasts forever (Ecclesiastes 3:14).

    When I see signs of his Spirit and work in the lives of brothers and sisters, knowing their struggles with sin and the flesh, I am astonished and amazed, reminded that Jesus is really alive and God is still working today. It’s different singing “I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save!” when you only know what God did in your own life versus thinking also about the work you’ve been privileged to witness and struggle in prayer for in the lives of those singing with you.

    4. I learn to hope in Christ, walk by faith and live by his promises that one day, he will be victorious in our lives and we will no longer be struggling with sin.

    It is amazing and refreshing to see lives changed and people walking in victory over sin and living for God. But backsliding Christians, half-hearted worshippers, hurting marriages, prodigal children, less-than-ideal church happenings…I wrestle so often with discouragement.  It’s not that I think I am better than anyone else, but it is heartbreaking and difficult to be a witness of the devastating effects of sin in the lives of Christians. And yet, as the hope of the resurrection and final victory of Christ over sin and death became the greatest hope to me personally when I saw the hopelessness of my own sinfulness, I have come to hope in God this year in a greater way than I ever have seeing these things in the church. It’s different singing “Dear dying Lamb, thy precious blood shall never lose its power/ till all the ransomed church of God be saved to sin no more!” when you are not only wrestling with your own sin, but with discouragement over the effects of the struggle against sin in the body of Christ. Through these disappointments and struggles, the hope of God’s ability to bring his ransomed home and one day perfect us completely is not just a truth I know or even a sweet comfort, but an anchor for my soul.

    When I was younger, I used to just wish that I didn’t see the “bad things” so I could be blissfully happy. But the Christian joy is not the bliss of ignorance and glossing over of wrongs. It is looking straight at the hideousness and power of sin, being in the trenches of the fight where at times you say “God, are you even working? It feels like it will always be like this,” and having all the false hopes in people and self be stripped away. It’s looking at God who became a man, lived in the throes of sin, and in his death showed sin to be immeasurably worse than we ever feared. It’s marveling that he broke the terrible power of death and sin in his victorious resurrection. And it’s living in the promise that the victory in holiness we taste and strive for in part today will be ours in full measure when he comes again. And we need each other in the local church for this.

    Walking with you as Christ walks with us,
    Faith

    •••

    Note: I wrote this after watching this short interview with David Powlison (“Can I Grow In Holiness Without The Local Church“) and being reminded of another reason why I am thankful for corporate worship. It’s only 7 minutes long, you should watch it! In it he said:

    “There is nothing like singing with a passel of other believers who mean it…There’s points where you can’t even sing…and it’s so awesome what we are saying to the Lord and to each other.”

  • 9 years ago…

    Nine years ago today, Jeff & I met when I was checking out fellowships as a college freshman. He shared about “the wheel” and I ended up not going to the fellowship, but we met afterwards because we’d had mutual friends in Staten Island who told me to look out for him.

    How do I remember the date?  I went to the ice cream social of his fellowship and put my name on a list. Later, students that were part of the fellowship showed up at my dorm to deliver little flower pots filled with potpourri and a toothpick with upcoming fellowship dates. I found this after we started dating and I have no idea why I kept it (it’s now inside a scrapbook- look at the yellow arrow!):

    We didn’t start dating until a little more than five years later, but isn’t it amazing that God knew at that time where we would be now? I’m so thankful for his faithfulness to us throughout the years. He has poured out grace upon grace in our lives. I’m so thankful that neither of us are who we were back then and for the miracle of his working out Christ in our lives. I’m so thankful that nine years from now, because of Christ, we will not be the same people we are today.
    In other news, we also celebrated our second anniversary last week! We went out and had a nice lunch with each other and baby. Then we worked on a scrapbook- Chang Chronicles vol. 2!

  • When You Don’t Feel Like Getting Up For Church…

    Last week was a long week. There was no one major thing that “got me”, it was just a bunch of smaller things in ministry, family, and day-to-day life that built up to the point where, alone at home with the baby, I sat on the floor of the dining room holding a spoonful of food that she didn’t want to eat, praying “God, I can’t do this.” I think that was Saturday night, so it’s no surprise that when I woke up the next morning feeling tired and with the thought that maybe I should just tell Jeff that I needed to stay in from church that day. I ended up tweeting this before Sunday service:

    Some people were concerned (thanks for thinking of me!) But my intention of tweeting that was 1. to be honest and 2. more than that, to hopefully be an encouragement to anyone else who might wake up feeling the same way and happen to check their Twitter/Facebook.

    God has been shaping my view of worship and Sabbath the past few years, and by his grace, on Sunday the very fact that I was so drained and needy- the fact that I didn’t want to go to church actually made me look forward to going.

    I’ve grown up thinking and hearing different things about Sunday worship and Sabbath.

    • It was routine or about seeing friends. When I was young, it was just a given and part of our week. I generally looked forward to seeing my friends at church although at times it was a bummer that I only had Saturday to sleep in.
    • Sabbath was about not going to work. I heard different rules about Sabbath and not working so that you could show that you trusted God to provide financially even though you didn’t go to your job.
    • Sunday service was about “putting God first”. In college, when it was my choice to go to church, Sunday service was about the discipline of choosing to go worship God instead of sleeping in when no one was there to force me to go.
    • It was about “getting something out of” the sermon. Later, when God continued to grow me, it became about what I could learn from the sermon or hear from God during the message.
    • Going to church on Sunday was about serving. I’ve heard people say “go to church to give not to get something.” At times it felt like I couldn’t breathe spiritually and I still went because it was part of my service to people and commitment.

    Not that there is anything wrong about routine, seeing people you love, trusting God with your work, prioritizing, learning something new, or being committed in service but this was way short of the way Sabbath is portrayed in Scripture. It’s no wonder though that with these thoughts about what Sabbath is supposed to be, sometimes when I’d wake up Sunday morning it felt like burdensome duty or even an optional activity (why not listen to a sermon online from a famous pastor?)

    In the last two years, God has been growing me in how I see Sabbath and what it means to meet with God’s people for worship. Here are a few thoughts:

    1. Sabbath is a mini-rest for pilgrims heading toward our final heavenly rest.

    Sabbath in Scripture is not just about not working to reflect how God didn’t work on the seventh day. It is meant to be a reminder and glimpse of what will happen when we finish our work here on earth and enter into the rest of God. The Sabbath is a gift from God meant to point to the final (eschatological) rest in the presence of God that we will have when we finish our course here on earth. (Hebrews 4:4-9)

    Right now, as Christians we have the promises and presence of God but still live in the “not-yet.” In our lives and in the world we still experience brokenness, turmoil, and sin. Throughout the week as we are scattered in various places, we experience those things to different degrees. When we meet together, we remember that it’s not always going to be like this. We taste in our worship and fellowship together the joy, peace, comfort, healing, love that will be fully known when Jesus comes again. When we listen to the truth of Scripture with people who love God, it is rest for our souls after being bombarded constantly by different world views, sorting through lies about God and life, fighting our own flesh, etc.

    2. Sabbath with God’s people reorients my heart toward Home. We were made to worship God and enjoy him forever. When I worship with God’s people, I get a glimpse of what eternity will be like. I am refreshed and hopeful as my sights are set again on my purpose and destination. When we experience a bit of God’s presence, the sweetness of worshipping him, the life-giving truth in his word, the grace in the gospel- it gives us a taste of our final Home, stirs our longing for the day when we will be with him forever, and we are encouraged to press on. Things that I have been consumed with during the week take their proper place in my thoughts and perspective when we worship our unchanging, eternal, holy God.

    3. We come into worship desperate, needy, and bankrupt.  Church service not about “coming to give and not to get.” We come into Sunday having failed as children, sisters, parents, and Christians. Our hope is in the promise of grace held out to us at the cross. We need Jesus. If I feel weary, not good enough, on the brink of giving up, God welcomes me.

    Pastor John Piper has a great message about worship and responds to the skewed theology of pastors who say that the problem with their people is that they “get and not to give.”  Our need and thirst for God honors and delights him when we turn to him. Pastor Piper said in his message:

    I say to my people “You don’t have anything to bring to this service! You come in here dead! You come in here discouraged!…bankrupt!…empty! And maybe if you’re  empty enough, God might get some glory from you by your craving his fullness. If you come here craving, longing, desiring, knowing this one thing ‘Everything in the world failed to satisfy my soul. I’m going to church this morning because I just might drink from the fountain of living water and have my soul satisfied.’” That’s the kind of people I want to come and that’s the kind of service that will explode with life. It’s thirsty people, it’s hungry people, it’s needy people who come to worship.    (The Heart of Worship– John Piper)

    These points are by no means a complete theology of Sabbath, but were part of what motivated my tweet Sunday morning. If I feel weary, not good enough, on the brink of giving up, I need  to Sabbath and God welcomes me.

    I never understood the stern warnings against neglecting to meet with the people of God until I started to see that worship with God’s people is so much more than about choosing to be disciplined, being committed, trusting God about finances, or even growing spiritually. It’s an issue of choosing life and absolutely essential for my soul. So while I may not wake up this coming Sunday wide-eyed, perky, and excited, I look forward to joining with other weary and worn travelers before a God who knows our needs and is gracious to command our rest as we journey home.

  • God’s Forever King

    I finished 1 & 2 Kings not too long ago and now I’m making my way through the prophets. I thought I’d share briefly the blessings I am gleaning from these books and was going to write about the kings and prophets in this post, but it looks like I’ll only have room for the first for now. I’ll post reflections on the prophetic books and what I’m learning in future posts!

    It has always been difficult for me to read through the historical books in the Bible because I have had an aversion to history in general. When I read anything, I skim over dates and names of people and places. I can read a whole book or watch a movie and not know the name of the main character! This makes it really really hard to study history, which to me, has always felt like an endless list of names, dates and places. It’s also hard because as much as I know it’s important to know history for the present, it often times seems really irrelevant to me. I’ve read through these books of the Bible before, but since each kingship seems so repetitive, it’s really hard to make it through since I don’t even remember their names! Besides gleaning a few principles here and there about how to live (or not to live) the history of Israel and Judah’s Kings never really caught my heart in a deep way until this time around.

    This has been my first time making it through these books since studying at WTS and sitting under Jeff’s preaching in Staten Island, and it was so different for me reading this time. First of all, when I expressed my frustration when I started reading about the kings again and feeling like, “I don’t get why I need to know this!” Jeff pointed out to me that sometimes it’s hard for us to relate to the history of Israel because we don’t know what it’s like to live in war or under kings. With that in mind I tried to get myself more in the shoes of the original reader. I also repented of my prideful frustration and kept on thinking about 1 Timothy 3:16, reading in faith that all Scripture is God-breathed and profitable. Secondly, I read it all in light of Jesus and the Gospel.

    As I read through the accounts of the Kings, I found myself longing with the Israelites for the King. I remember I used to read through the rules of the kings, wishing there was someone in there that wouldn’t mess up. (Semi-embarrassing confession: Even before I was married, I kind of was looking for a good boy’s name in the Bible among the kings and so I was looking for a king that started and ended well…for possible yet-to-be children..) As I read a few months ago, I began to see more of the consequences of each king’s life on the people, and how having a good king and reign meant safety and prosperity for the people spiritually and physically. Their lives were tied into the rule of their king- his righteousness, his judgments, his fear (or lack of fear) of God. I started to understand how much of the people’s lives were shaped by  who their king was and the consequences of his sins were often devastating. Yet each king disappointed and even the righteous ones could not usher in complete safety, peace, restoration, and prosperity. I felt in my own heart the longing for the King who would be like David- but even better. In my daughter’s children’s Bible, they call him “God’s Forever King”- the Messiah who would be revealed in the fullness of time to be Jesus Christ.

    Through it all, I grew in my love for and hope in King Jesus who has, is, and will be ushering in the Kingdom of God. He is the God-man who descended to the lower regions of the earth (Eph. 4:9), died, rose again, and was lifted up to the highest place above all rule, authority, power and dominion (Eph.1:21). He is the risen, reigning King and will come again to establish the new heavens and new earth. He is the only king who commands and deserves my complete trust and only under his reign do I find rest on every side. In his Kingdom there is justice, restoration, and everlasting peace. His rule is the one we long for and eagerly await. His reign in the lives of his church and children means true peace, prosperity, and restoration even in the midst of the suffering and brokenness we live in until he comes again. Daily I am and for the rest of my life I will be plumbing the depths of the joy it is to be a daughter and servant in his Kingdom. 

  • Happy Daddy & (Grand)Daddy’s day

    I am so grateful to God for these two men in my life.

    Thank you, daddy for your patient, enduring, and affirming love for me through the years. Through ingratitude, pride, and rebellion you have loved me. I have seen our Heaven Father’s care reflected through your loving provision, generosity, and delight in your children (and now, granddaughter). Thank you for your tireless work to provide for your family. I have come to know what it means to be loved and welcomed into the Father’s presence through you more than anyone else in my life.  Thank you for being a family man!

    Thank you, my baby girl’s daddy (aka hubby) for being an amazing husband and daddy. It has been so much fun getting to see you as a daddy these past 9 months- you are a wonderful daddy, as I knew you would be. I love seeing our girl light up and smile when she sees you home. I love seeing you rock her to sleep and how secure and happy she is when she’s with her daddy. Thank you for remembering her vitamins, reading to her, praying over her. “AAAAAHHHH!” – from baby (right now). I think that means “Happy First Father’s Day! I love you, daddy!”

  • This Is Helpful

    From the ESV Study Bible‘s Introduction to Ecclesiastes (italics/bold mine):

    One can see the Preacher’s most distinctive contribution from the way he uses the term “find out” (see note on 3:11). Every human being wants to find out and understand all the ways of God in the world, but he cannot, because he is not God. And yet the faithful do not despair but cling to God, who deserves their trust; they can leave it to him to make sense of it all, while they seek to learn what it means to “fear God and keep his commandments,” even when they cannot see what God is doing. This is true wisdom.

    and,

    The history of salvation is the grand overarching story of the Bible; embracing it gives coherence to all of life. It calls each of God’s people to own the story, and it dignifies each one with a role in the further outworking of the story. Nevertheless it is impossible for any human being to fully grasp how his or her decisions will contribute to God’s grand scheme; and Ecclesiastes helps people to see that they do not have to understand this. Each of the faithful, by “fearing God and keeping his commandments” (12:13), participates in ways that he cannot “find out,” trusting that God will take care of the big plan.

  • 7 Lessons About Being A Mommy from 26+ years of Having One

    1. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being continually changed by God.  I look at my mom and know she’s not perfect. She has sinned and still does. But I have been able to witness God’s transforming grace in her life over the years and how he is shaping her still. That is an invaluable testimony to me of his faithfulness and love.

    2. The most important thing I can model for my children is what it means to have a genuine relationship with the living God.  Of all the weaknesses that my mom has, being fake is not one of them. I have seen the beauty and the struggle of walking the Christian life. I have seen it specifically in being a mommy and dealing with trusting her children to God, wondering about the worth of her work at times, and more, and I know I can look forward to growing in the same way.

    3.  Real love disciplines.  Mommy has sought out my good even to the point of my being angry and upset with her (years of it…) She has loved me enough to speak the truth even when I wouldn’t take it well. And though I wish I could’ve taken it better and more humbly, I’m SO thankful that she didn’t leave me to do my own thing for the sake of my not being angry with her.

    4. Being a mom means loving sacrificially in the everyday. This hurts. It isn’t glorious. It gives without being motivated by the prospect of being thanked for many years. It is most often in the mundane, everyday, repetitive things- countless loads of laundry, meals, clothing, cleaning, reminding, and driving kids through rush hour traffic to catch the express bus because they missed it (again) at the stop by the house.

    5. I need to stand on the conviction of God’s sovereignty and goodness in all things. I can’t look to my children’s behavior and relationship with God for joy. God needs to be my Rock that I stand on for those times when they may not be walking with him.

    6. I can’t change my child’s heart, but I can speak the truth and pray hard until God gets her heart for himself. Only God knows how much of who I am today is in response to my mom’s prayers. She told me things about God and my own life that I often wasn’t ready to hear. For a while her words could not change me and my heart didn’t understand them. But I am thankful that she still taught and spoke into my life because once God got a hold of my heart, things she’d said before started making sense and she became my most valuable source of wisdom.

    7. There is a wonderful friendship to look forward to and pray for. If God so grants the years and time on Earth, I look forward to mu daughter and I being able to fellowship as sisters as I do with my mom.  And I hope to be as humble as my mom,  willing even to learn from my own daughter.

    Thanks, Mommy. I love you! Happy Mother’s Day!

     

  • Education & Motherhood

    “Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.” – Take My Life And Let It Be

    A few months ago I asked Jeff a hypothetical question. I asked how he would respond if someone, say, a mom wanted to know if it was a waste of education and displeasing to God to go to a good university and then become a stay-at-home mom, or if, in other words, there is no point in a woman getting quality higher education if she is planning on staying at home with children. For some reason he asked me if I was referring to myself (he always sees through my hypothetical questions!), and then answered by saying that he would say that he disagrees with the way the person sees education. He then went on to point out the ways that my education (from high school onward) has helped shape and equip me as his wife and helper, assured and comforted me of my calling, and got me starting to think about some of the things I’m about to write in this post.

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I have been wrestling through different issues regarding the season of life that I am in as a new mom and haven’t come to an “aha!” moment that is easily blog-able. My main personal prayer request for the last few months has been for me to learn what it means to worship God right now- with vision and in practical ways as a wife and new mommy. As much as I enjoy being a mom (I do a lot!) and have always said that my dream job is to be a wife and a mom, I am realizing that bits and pieces of my theology and worldview have been shaped in a way incongruent with what I profess to believe, namely that being a wife and mom is a calling by God and that homemaking is a task that can be pleasing and glorifying to him in and of itself (not just as a means toward something like, raising kids that will be missionaries one day.) As a result of this, there have been moments of questioning as described above, guilt about staying at home (and enjoying it), browsing of mommy blogs, and just a lot of thinking. It’s more than a Biblical view of motherhood that I’m working through, in this I’m also working through my view of success, productivity and what it means to live a God-glorifying life, stewardship of gifts and opportunities, calling, ministry, the “sacred-secular divide”, and more, all relating to living a life of worship to God. Education is just a piece of it, and I’m sure I’ll be blogging more about these other topics in the future. 
    Regarding  education (particularly higher education) I have been reflecting on the values that I have been exposed to and maybe in some part held. Being a mom and thinking about homemaking has served to surfaced these underlying beliefs and motivations and expose them as either wrong or incomplete. Here is a list of the ones I’ve been thinking through:

    Secular views-

    • Education as a means toward a profession. The goal of learning is doing well and getting a GPA that will enable you to get up to the next step and ultimately land a good job. In Chinese culture the profession will grant security. In American culture, additionally it’s about self-fulfillment of your potential. This is the view that my mom vehemently responded against when adults who found out I wanted to do ministry wanted to know why I “needed to go to” Cornell for that. This is how I thought before, which is why I only thought of school as getting a degree and studying “for the grade” and not to learn (which, by the way, I regret)
    • Education as a way to “better yourself” and make you a more knowledgeable, well-rounded, person.  This is not so much what I’ve ever believed; I guess this is more of a view of education I’ve been exposed to through teachers and professors here in America.

    Views I’ve been exposed to/held in Christian circles. These are the ones that have influenced me more-

    •  Education as a means to getting into a position of influence. The job that you land will enable you to make a difference in the world. The people that you hang out with at a good university will be able to influence large numbers of people later. The higher up you go, the more opportunity to make an impact for God through either sharing the Gospel with influential people or holding a position that is weighty.
    • Education as means of having a specific time of being able to impact the people you study with and grow in God. It’s not so much about classes as it is about the environment of the university. Not focusing too much on your studies and making time for ministry is a way of training you to be willing to focus on the eternal things. It’s a time to impact non-believers and grow in God. It’s definitely not about the grade here and it’s not like classes don’t matter, but learning and education in and of itself isn’t really addressed or thought much about.
    • Education as something to sacrifice in order to do full-time ministry. Implicit in this view is that education is meant to funnel you toward a vocation. Thus, if God calls, it is “given up” in order to take up the task of full-time vocational ministry.
    • Education as a means to a profession that you will use as tentmaking. Having a job provides income to give toward God’s Kingdom as well as to free you up from being a burden to others as you do ministry. It may also be a profession that grants access to do missions overseas.

    I’m sure there are more but these are the ones that have impacted me most probably because I’ve been immersed in them. I’m not saying that any of these are wrong, but having them listed out explains why I was wondering whether or not I would be pleasing God or wasting my education. These values don’t allow for a way that someone can go to university, get a degree, and then become a stay-at-home mom except in the case of the idea of it being a sacrifice, something given up for the sake of the calling to be a homemaker. I can’t help but feel that the way I’ve viewed education and heard it spoken about is incomplete. I know this because I know that Biblically, it is a noble calling to be a wife and mom and somehow I don’t think that just because someone wants to do that, their education is just a back-up plan or leading nowhere. I need a bigger picture, God-sized understanding of education. Here is an explanation for the purpose of education that I think may be more comprehensive (Okay, I kind of just typed it up right now on the spot because I realized I had not verbalized an alternative so I may have to change it later…and am open to resources that may explain this better!)

    Education as a resource from God used to shape and equip me for whatever he has and will call me to for the sake of loving him and others with my heart, soul, and mind to his glory.

    This doesn’t mean that I took whatever I learned in school as the truth or that my mind was shaped in the way my teachers or professors thought it ought to be shaped, but through high school, college, and beyond, God used different teachers and classes not only to teach information but to mold the way I process information, write down thoughts, learn new things, read, think, etc. Sometimes the classes helped toward this directly (classes at Westminster!), sometimes they were testing grounds in which I had to think critically to spot out deception and falsehood and learn to verbalize inconsistencies in arguments to share what I believed was true.  If I see the wider picture of what my education afforded me with, alongside of a degree, practical skills toward a profession, etc. and also understand God is sovereignly orchestrating my whole life,  then I can look back and see how God has equipped me in a special way to help my husband and raise my daughter as well as look forward to how he may or may not choose to use my experiences, learning, and mind to bless them and others.

    I’m not sure how my life will look and how all this will pan out, but I love the story of the Mary who anointed Jesus with perfume. It touches me for several reasons, but I remember being particularly struck many years ago by the fact that what is considered a waste by others is considered a precious offering by Jesus. I want to offer my life to Jesus, education included, however that may look to me or to the world- even if it is considered a “waste” to some. As I learn the ropes as a new mommy, waking up in the middle of the night to feed my daughter, rejoicing at each little developmental stage she reaches, singing baby songs and looking ridiculous to make her smile so that I can sneak a spoonful of baby food past her pursed lips, and wondering if my mental capacities will ever return to the point where I will be good at speed Scrabble again, I am holding onto the fact that as I strive by grace to worship God in all things, he is the one who decides what is a waste and what is not.

    Take my life and let it be, ever only all for Thee.